Holy shit, it has been a month since I posted anything. Life gets in the way sometimes. You’ll be forgiven for thinking so, but I have not – repeat, have NOT – fallen off the wagon. Things have slowed down considerably. I’m going to have to start getting more formal with my food plan. And I still have a ways to go. BUT:
I have lost just under 60 pounds, and I’m now smaller than I’ve been in over 10 years. For reference:
Pictures are funny things. There is some definition in my shoulders and arms (and even maybe just a little (a little – little) in my chest, squee!) that doesn’t really show up here. And I still think the pictures today make me look like an enormous fat guy, though compared to those original ones, holy moly.
I can buy clothes in the regular person’s part of the store now. I just had to buy a new belt – my third since I started this. I’m running a half marathon on Sunday. And this morning I squatted 325# for two reps. We’re getting there – we are absolutely getting there.
As mentioned, I was on a work trip to Washington DC last week, and the week prior to that I was on vacation in Delaware. There has been a fair amount of traveling this year, with several trips down to Florida before we moved, and some of the ins and outs of taking a new job that lives in a sales department. On each and every one of these trips – including the last two weeks – I brought running gear. Shoes, clothes, Road ID, hat, headphones, the whole getup. I was ready for it.
And I can count on one finger how many times I actually went for a run. In the last two weeks, that number was zero.
These last two weeks have been strange, because in both cases I was in a place that I ordinarily would have been excited to go running in. In Delaware we were less than a mile from the Rehoboth Beach boardwalk (and beach), and in Washington DC I was about a mile from the Washington Monument. So the beach and the National Mall – two spectacular places to run, particularly in the early morning hours that I typically go. Instead of rocking it, though, I stayed up too late and ignored my alarm in the morning. I just didn’t go.
The failure was so real that I was forced to do some reflecting on it, to try and pin down what is going on inside that causes me to sabotage and outright ignore these efforts. And I think I figured it out.
I’m afraid somebody might see me.
You see, I’m a fat guy. Especially now. And what I think about when people see me running is that they are seeing this guy:
2013 JFK Runway Run
or maybe this guy:
2013 Rock & Roll Virginia Beach Half Marathon
Or definitely this guy:
2014 Branford Road Race
When I’m at home, I leave to go running at 5am. And at that hour, I generally see no people. Maybe one or two. There is nobody at home awake, there is nobody on the road, there is just not much going on. In a hotel, though, at 5am I’m going to run into somebody. I’m going to see a night clerk, or another guest at the little gym, or the doorman on my way out to the streets for a run. And I’m going to be totally self conscious that they are judging me. Or, worse, laughing at me.
Now, I know from experience that my instinct on this one is incorrect. 95 times out of 100, people don’t even notice. We are so wrapped up in our own little worlds – we don’t care. And the other 5 times out of 100, when people do notice, they’re almost always doing the “good for him” in their heads. That’s what I’m doing if I ever notice somebody running that is not what you’d expect from a traditional runner.
But, for all of that, I still really struggle to go. My mechanism, by the way, is to sabotage the morning by staying up entirely too late the night before. This is another place where home is better, because my wife won’t let that go on for too long without shaming me. Or at least making me feel awkward because I have to answer the question “what the hell were you DOING up that late, anyway?”
This wasn’t really a problem when I was at the peak of my running “career” (HA!). I felt good enough that it didn’t matter so much. I’m not there now, and I need to get over it.
Also, for the record, I’m incredibly torn about posting that picture from the Virginia Beach Half up there. The one with my belly hanging out. I really hate that picture.
The Branford 5m Road Race was recommended to me by a poster over on the Motley Fool. The recommendation was basically that this is a relatively large race that they’ve been doing for a long time and has great support. The race is also part of a festival that is done on the green in Branford every Father’s Day. When I looked it up, and saw that the race itself didn’t start until 10:15 – which means late enough that my family could come – I signed up.
So … it turns out that this Branford Festival is a thing. A legit thing. At 9am when we got there we were very surprised at how difficult parking in the area was … and then when we got to the green there were people and tents and just activity all over the place. We didn’t explore a whole lot at first because I was prepping for the race, but it turned out that on the next block over there were rides and carnival games and food vendors and car shows and just all kinds of stuff. And after the race was over we hung around and had a blast. Overall, in spite of what I’m going to say in a minute, this was basically the best Father’s Day ever.
I like starting line pictures like this…
Not that I was as prepared as I thought I was for the race.
I went in optimistic – my mileage has been slowly increasing, and I’ve been feeling pretty good. My intention was to try and keep it under control in the first mile and then see what was left in the tank at around mile 4 and try and finish strong. My stated goal was 55 minutes, so 11 minute miles, which I expected to be very achievable. My backup goal was an hour flat, which I almost didn’t even think bore mentioning. And if I’d gotten to mile 4 at 44 minutes or less I was going to try and uncork it and see what I could do in the last mile. I understood the course to be basically downhill or flat through the 3rd mile, mostly uphill in the 4th mile, and then flat to slightly uphill into the finish.
Confusion at the start – there was a 2-mile walking course that was, against all logic, set to start 5 minutes before the regular 5 mile race. The idea was that after about a quarter of a mile they took a turn we didn’t, so they cleared the course. However, we all were lined up in the same starting chute, so nobody was sure if they were in the right place. When they let the walkers go there was a collective “oh shit!” from the walkers lined up at the back, and it took them awhile to push through. Once they cleared the course, though, we had a national anthem and were off – just under 2,000 runners.
Mile 1 came in at 10:39, which was fast-ish for what I wanted to do but not too awful bad. Mile 2 was 11:19, which means my first 2 miles were right on. At about mile 2.5 we came to the bottom of the first hill and I just blew up.
Just blew right the hell up.
Seriously, I have no idea what happened other than I’m just completely out of shape. Mile 3 was 12:46, Mile 4 was 13:15 (!), and Mile 5 was 12:42. My shins tightened up, my right foot felt numb on the outside … which was weird. And I just couldn’t summon the energy. The hills went on longer than I expected – from mile 2.5 until basically mile 4.5 – but that’s no excuses … I just sucked. My finish time was 1:00.46. I missed my really easy goal by 46 seconds and my go-get goal by over 5 minutes.
I don’t usually do this – I like to stay positive – but I also got a jolt when I got the pictures after. The pictures are standard, and the photographers were all in the last couple of miles of the course. But one in particular stood out:
So, this is pretty horrifying. I’ve only gained back between 5 and 10 pounds of the weight I’ve lost, but my self body image is no longer this. I don’t think I’m svelte, by any means … but I thought I’d moved past mortifying pictures, or at least farther past them than this.
What I have to face is that I’m still a fat guy.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not that down on myself. Only a little. I think I probably needed this. I’ve been going around lately acting like I’m not a fat guy. I’ve been eating whatever I wanted, blowing off runs fairly regularly, just pretty much behaving as though I’m a regular high-metabolism skinny athletic guy. And I’m not. I’m just not.
For proof, see that picture up there.
Anyway – I didn’t have a great race, and I don’t feel great about where I’m at after it. But I’m not done, by any stretch. And I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. Instead, I think I’ll run. See you out there.
This one is better. They caught me on the up…
Notes:
– Seriously, though, with all of that – what a great day. We had so much fun at the festival, and my wife and I each independently came to the conclusion that we could live in Branford, Connecticut. That’s a successful race by any standard.
– Speaking of successful races – they were quick to claim the title of best 5 mile race in the nation. I heard that several times. Have to give it to them, though – they go out and try to earn that. There were bands on the course, many water stops, and there was plenty of support at the end. Overall a very well run race.
– For the last quarter of a mile or so they had the crowd behind barriers, and you had to round a corner just before the finish line. It felt like coming into a legitimate chute and running for a big crowd. Even the finish was cool.
– Many many strollers. One guy cut me off and nearly ran over the person running next to me. And several others were being pretty rough as they ran through the crowds. Just about the time I got frustrated with it, I was tapped on the shoulder and warned about one coming – but they were pushing an adult, just like the Hoyts. I happily got out of their way – those guys are amazing.
– They had an official 2.5m split, which is a weird distance. I guess I get 2 PRs out of this, though…
– One big acknowledgement of the William & Mary shirt I was wearing – lady practically knocked her husband down getting his attention to show him the shirt.
– Not really any SWAG – an ink pen, several coupons and flyers for local businesses, and the shirt. The shirt is the exact same brand and color as the shirt that I got at the Ridgewood 5K last month, just a different logo. This is a good thing – it is a nice shirt. I did, however, get a pint glass at the festival for $5 … and the festival made up for everything.
– That was June, which is 16 straight months running a race. This wasn’t my best, but it counts, and I’m proud I did it.
– Next race: NYCRUNS Shore Road Summer Mini-Series #2, 5K, Brooklyn, New York
A Constant State of Hunger 